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Rob described today accurately enough for me to worry about re-capping. If I ever need to know what I did today I can have a look at his post.

When I got home I tried to work on the program for the youth group. It's just not looking good yet. I'd be crying if I wasn't such an emotionally stunted person.

At 5:23pm Jo and I exited to go to church for a rehearsal of TOOBSC. We arrived and started re-arranging the church centre to make it look like a boardroom. We discovered the lights weren't all working so we went searching for a new light globe which didn't turn up. Helen told us we could rehearse in the church because she didn't need it anymore for dancing. I um-ed and ahh-ed for about 5 minutes. Not really weighing up the options just jumping from one decision to another and back again. Never knowing why I made each choice. I think I'm getting to that stage of the cycle. Today was supposed to be by day off, but alas that didn't happen. Tomorrow I will attempt to make relaxing, if not "off".

Eventually I settled on the church. Jo and I put our makeshift set back and headed over to the church to make thing happen. People arrived and we began. I prayed to begin with and trailed of into inanity which I can only trust the Spirit knew what I was talking about. I ended with something like "And may your name be the most, biggest, things that we make the bestest, that would be, amen, that's it". Things weren't off to a good start.

We did a read through of the script and I timed it. It came-in in a nice time frame. It was good to hear the script in full. It made sense. There were bits where people laughed and that was a relief. We kept the "downies and spastics" line in. I'm glad about that.

We discussed characters, especially in relation to their costumes. It was interesting because I was discovering a lot about the script. I think I've written a lot of subtext into the script without really thinking about it. Half-formed feelings became fully formed thoughts as we discussed what each character was like and what they were wearing. At one stage we talked about a characters handbag and how it was symbolic of how various characters in the film treated their life. I spent half the time feeling like I was spouting bullshit, another half thinking what I was saying was true, and the third half feeling apologetic that I sounded like a year 12 English teacher. I think what I said was true and is in the script but I feel like I'm discovering it at the same rate as everyone else. It's exciting and embarrassing at the same time.

Which is kinda what the whole night was like. We went on to rehearse and block two of the scenes. When I write, each character is usually a different facet of myself. Some are more like me than others, but everyone is a bit me. I don't really think about it when I write but seeing people perform what I have written and then discussing it and analyzing it, was a very strange experience. When I noticed myself within the script, especially when the characters were not behaving well, I felt both vulnerable and embarrassed. I was like "Oh my gosh, all my secrets are here in front of everyone. Stuff that I would never put in my blog, or tell people because they are behaviors I am not proud of, are here, going on film for the world to see."

I remember both Will You Love Me and Clean were like that. Honest writing scares me. But it only starts to worry me when I see it come alive, and I've committed myself, the actors and the film to it. It doesn't worry me with the nice characters, the well behaved ones, but with some, like Zac, the main character, he's a self-obsessed prick. Almost all the worst bits of me are in Zac and I don't want people to see that. I want to be the good characters, like Sarah, Jess, Zac's mum and Zac's dad (3 out of four of them are female, that's a worry). But I'm not, not all of me, not most of me. Damn honesty. Damn vulnerability. Damn artistic commitment.

But Zac gets redeemed. Zac gets saved. Zac gets transformed. And that's good.

I may be a prick, but I'm redeemed.

I'm saved and I'm transformed.

Praise the Lord.