In the old days of blogging, I used to come home and blog about my day because I thought it was interesting. Usually it went something like this although sometimes I got overly enthusiastic like this.

These days I tend not to talk about my day because, no one reads my blog to find out about it. But in honour of the past, just once, I'm gonna do it. This was Thursday 9th February 2012.

I woke up this morning to the sounds of Adagio for Tron, which is my wake up music. Thank you Sleep Cycle App. It's nice to wake up to if a little sad (the music not the app). I read my Bible in bed, which was bad because I kept drifting off and dreaming about Jeremiah. I guess dreaming about Jeremiah isn't too bad, but sometimes it can be hard to figure out if Jeremiah really was at your primary school with you or if you just dreamt it.

I took my time this morning because to today was late arrival day at work. I went in at around 10. The traffic was pretty nice, but I had to park a long way from the office. I had two green bags full of commentaries on the books of Mark and John to carry with me too. I felt like a biblically literate homeless person. It was difficult holding the bags safely while standing on the median strip in middle of our local busy road. I was worried a car might clip one of my bags and drag me down the street grazing my knees, ruining my shirt and dashing my brains on the road surface. It would probably be the first time someone had ever been killed by a Bible commentary. If you get killed by a Bible commentary can you call it martyrdom? It is getting killed in the cause for Christ kinda.

I arrived at work a little before 10 just in time for Bible study. It was good.

Then I spent the day working. It was solid. I sent emails, did a little talk prep, made phone calls, booked visits, printed invoices, went to the post office. Boy, it was amazing. And I didn't get distracted by Facebook or SMH once. Maybe more than once, but certainly not once.

On my way back from the post office I bought myself lunch. It was a chicken and salad roll from the Vietnamese hot bread shop. There are rumours that the pâté from the shop will make you poo excessively. I thought about trying it to see if the rumours are correct, but felt if I discovered the truth it might ruin the mystique of the shop, so I said "No pâté, thanks."

During my lunch break I read a book on church planting for my church planting tripastorate (the three pastors) meeting tonight. I also sent some non-work emails.

At 6:15 it was almost time to go home. I broke one of my rules and did a work poo. I don't really like pooing in my work place but there were very few people left in the office to smell my present's presence so I relaxed the no-work-poo embargo. I also got changed while I was there out of my business clothes into my casual clothes.

At just past 6:30pm I left work. I walked all 13km back to the car and crossed at the lights seeing as I thought trying my luck with my voluptuous commentary carrying twice in one day was a little too much.

I drove to Pastor Scott's* house via Caltex to pick up some over-priced soft drink. Just after leaving the petrol station a lady almost drove into me while turning right at some lights. She was coming from the other direction as I drove through the lights, she didn't see me and almost smashed right into my side. After that I turned the invisibility switch on my car off because it's too dangerous. Suburu's do have a lot of neat gadgets though.

I arrived at Scott's just after 7, Pastor Kaye* was already there. Scott was cooking us a barbie. He's a real man. We ate then spent three and a half hours talking about Gotham City Church (the working title for our church). It was very exciting. Tonight we talked a lot about church government and how we want the church to function. We also spent a while discussing humour in our church, which I think others thought was a bit of a tangent, I felt it was a core theological issue. I think we decided some good things; racist jokes are out, poo jokes are probably still up for debate.

Still talking concretely about what we want the church to be like (everything from theology, to people we reach, to ministries we run, to how we run a service) was very exciting. It's good to finally be getting really concrete. And it turns out we all agree on most things.

We finished our discussions and prayed then I drove home. I sent an email to some youth group parents for tomorrow and now I'm blogging.

That's my day.

Don't expect another one for these for 8 years, but at least now you know what I did today. You can finally stop wondering.


*We don't call each other Pastor, but it'll help you know who they are.

Yesterday I had my yearly review at work. I did pretty well. The boss a little upset that I use my speaking platform in schools to promote my line of dietary supplements to kids, but I think he understands, a man has to make a buck where he can. Other than that I think he was pretty happy with my performance.

One of the things that came up was a suggestion I made to be allowed to work from 10am-6:30pm. The official working hours for my workplace are 8:30am-5pm but over the last year we've been allowed to come in at 7:30/8am and work till 4/4:30pm. I have been doing this because, as a result of traffic, I only have to leave home 15 minutes earlier but I get to leave work half an hour earlier. However it's meant that I've had to be up at 6am every morning. While I try and get to bed by 10pm, I never succeed. If you have a look at the time I do my blog posts, it's usually around midnight (like tonight). So I've been getting less than 6 hours most nights of the week. I generally fall asleep at work in my chair and I'm pretty sure my productivity suffers when I'm asleep.

So I suggested the late start. Because I have a good boss, he was happy to let me test out the new working hours (I also gave him some free supplements, which may have made him more persuadable). I tried them today, and while I felt a little sad having to work till 6:30pm, I think I was more productive, I was less sleepy, and I really enjoyed the sleep in this morning. And I'm really happy that I could go to bed right now and still get a solid eight hours. Plus I got to have a night out and not worry about the time. So day one of the trial has been a success. We'll see how it goes. I won't keep reporting to you though because, well, I don't want to share all my personal information. Some things, like how a man's work hours trial progresses, should remain private.

Today at work my job was to find nine quotes to go in the resources that I write. However I couldn't find nine. I found one. That means tomorrow is going to be spending another seven and a half hours on the stupid quote sites. I get so bored of them. Still, I'm doing it for monies (and Jesus) so I can't complain.

I have, at times, thought about just making quotes up and attributing them to people. I figure it shouldn't really matter who says them just that what they say sounds pithy and/or true. I asked my boss if he'd have a problem with me making quotes up and he said "Yes". Shame.

Still I'm hoping he changes his mind. Just in case he does, I'm going to make up some quotes and store them here. So for your reading pleasure, here are some things the people below did not say. (Feel free to add your own in the comments.)


"The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away", right now I just wish he was doing more givin' than takin'. - Martha Wilkes, in 1957 after losing her house to a tornado.

If I was a polygamist and could marry mythical creatures, I'd marry a mermaid and a reverse mermaid. One to take out on the town and the other for her childbearing qualities. Of course I could achieve the same result by just marrying a woman and a fish, but I think I'd find taking a fish on a dinner date too confusing for my appetites. - Michael Cera

I probably didn't say this. - Mark Twain

Great stories are like rare diamonds. They are a beauty to behold and have the strength to cut through even the hardest of men's hearts. Only the author who is willing to toil alone, digging deep in the blackest darkness will be able to produce this treasure of a pressured soul. - Leo Tolstoy

Doubt and faith are not enemies but allies. It is ignorant certainty that fights against them both. - G.K. Chesterton

I always say that the secret to success is to believe in yourself. That and make sure you're drunk by midday. - Ulysses S. Grant

I was meant to be on camp for work this week, but not enough people went on camp, so I was made redundant from camp.

But I did go to camp for one day. It was pretty fun. As soon as I arrived I was asked to tell a joke. 7:30 in the morning and I have to tell a joke. It's traditional that I tell a joke at this camp. So I told this one:

Am man walks in to the doctors with a penguin on his head. The doctor says "What seems to be the problem?"

The penguin replies "Well it all started with this growth on my foot..."

It went down ok, but people didn't think it was as good as I think it is.

I did other things today other than telling jokes. I listened to a talk, and almost hit a girl in the head with a frisbee. I threw the frisbee and it was meant to go over her head (silly idea) but it did not, it skimmed the top of her head, glancing off her plastic head band. She was talking to her dad at the time. Oops, that was embarrassing. (Can frisbees kill people? That would have been more embarrassing.) She forgave me, I think.

Oh and I dressed as a bearded lady for a carnival event. I haven't done that since 2008 so I thought it was time. Wearing a dress and fake boobs; That's what my job is all about.

And that was my day on camp. I would have liked to have been on camp, because it's pretty fun. But at least I can probably sleep more here.

I was at a primary school yesterday talking to a group of about 40 kids. When I do this I usually do a promotion for the camps that my organisation runs every holidays. Yesterday the teacher running the group did the promo and pointed out to the kids that there's a photo of me in the brochure. He also suggested that if I'm kind I might sign the brochures for them. I laughed.

Then after I had done my Bible talk and it was time for everyone to leave for class the teacher handed out the brochures and told the kids to go to me if they wanted the brochure signed. So about 15 kids lined up asking for signatures. "You don't want my signature." I said. But they insisted. "I don't have a pen, oh well" I said. The teacher handed me a pen. Darn. I really didn't want to sign a bunch of holiday camp brochures. But I did because I couldn't think of an easy way out. So I signed a whole bunch of brochures yesterday because there's a tiny photo of me in a group inside. Next time I sign a bunch of stuff with a permanent marker I want it to be my hip-hop CD. That will be an achievement worth signing stuff for.

I was at a school recently and as often happens I sat through an assembly. Schools enjoy piggy backing chapels with assemblies sometimes which means in the last two years I have seen a lot of merit awards handed out. In fact on a few occasions I've even handed out merit awards. I've shaken kids' hands and said "Well done" because I was the most auspicious person in the room. That was weird.

Anyway, that's not the point. On this day, after the assembly. a year nine class got held back. They were all asked to write a report on what had happened in an English lesson the day before. Apparently there had been some chair throwing or something. The teacher told the class they were expected to write a report on what happened and they were expected to name names.

That got me thinking about what I would do were I asked to write a report on the behaviour of my peers. Say we had a staff meeting and while my boss was out of the room a few of my staff mates threw some chairs around and set fire to a table. Then the head of our organisation called us in and asked us to write a report and name names. I don't know what I'd do. My first response would probably be to refuse, though I'm not sure why. I guess I've grown up with the notion that you don't dob in your mates. I also think I have a problem with adversarial authority. Like when a teacher sets themselves up against a class, or management set themselves up against employees, It gets to me and makes me want to rebel.

However were my boss to sit down with all the staff and have a conversation about who threw what chair and who lit what fire, and why it happened, and what message we might be trying to send management or each other, or society, by having small riots (ri-ettes, if you will), I would be much happier to talk about who did what. I respond well to relational leadership. I think that's why I haven't had any dreams about rebelling against my bosses at work. I have good bosses who do things within the context of relationship rather than enforcement. I do however have dreams about rebelling against teachers, and my managers at the cinema and the entertainment centre. In those places my compliance was expected because they were in-charge and I was their subordinate. It seems I'm not keen on being bossed but I am keen on being led. Good leaders lead through relationships built and respect earned. Bad bosses boss through relationships ignored and respect assumed.

So all this I guess is to say, I still don't know if I'd dob on my friends, but if I had a good boss (which I do) I probably wouldn't need to.

This leads me back to thinking about how you relate to teenagers. In general, leading teens is the same as leading adults, it's best in the context of built relationships and earned respect. In schools, it doesn't really work like that. The teachers are the bosses and the students are the workers, teachers often expect teenagers to obey because authority us inherent within the role. So when an adult comes along and asks for obedience and responsibility which is not expected but earned, young people are going to be much more likely to repsond positively.

None of this stuff is really new, but I think it's what I got thinking about while watching the chair throwing inquisition. It reminded me to not be lazy in my relationships with young people. My job is to lead not to boss.

It's Saturday. And for the first time in 21 days I haven't had any ministry activities to do. Very happy to rest.

Today I told a chapel of about 200 year 5-8 students about the Bieber experience. It was difficult.

I originally had an illustration about unrequited love (surprise, surprise) but realised that probably the year 5 kids wouldn't really connect with it (it's difficult to like a girl for 4 years when you would have had to start your crush when you were 6). So I decided to tell them all about watching Bieber and crying. It was a risky move. I thought I might win friends with my self-depreciating humour. I think however, I may have just made myself look dumb. Except for the girls who loved Bieber. Maybe today they really heard the gospel for the first time because cried in his movie. Maybe now there's one less lonely girl, cause she found her saviour.

Or maybe I just looked strange.

I was shooting for authentic.

Oh well.

Tomorrow morning at 8:30am I'm preaching in a school chapel on 1 Corinthians 5. That's the on about the guy sleeping with his step mother.

Hmmm, tricky? Yes. Evangelistic? Difficult. Should I keep the mofo references to a minimum? Definitely.

Still, I'm wondering how much fun is appropriate.

I was at a school today and I saw a year four kid come up to his chaplain and say "Excuse me, what do you think God's top two favourite things to do are? I'll tell you what I think; I think it's loving people and inventing stuff."

I'm pretty inclinded to agree. Quite the theologian that kid.

People often ask me what I do when I'm at work during the holidays. The answer to this question is vast and profound. Today I designed covers for the resource we're printing. And I looked at photos of boats, also for the resource we're printing. Plus I listened to This American Life on the internet. Not for work, but I'm doing work that means I can listen to stuff while I work, so I do.

I also ate fried rice.

So if you're wondering, that's what I do.

Today I spent most of the day at work reading celebrity tweets. It was hard. I want to go back to my normal work of watching YouTube. That's much better toil.

My current talk at primary schools is a Christmas talk because every primary group wants to talk about Christmas. So today I was doing the talk and I said "Jesus was just like any other baby. He did all the same things normal babies do. He slept, ate, and cried."

And then some kid in year 1 called out, "And pooped!"

It was awesome.

That kid has his incarnational theology right. Jesus pooped.

I'm writing a talk at the moment on work and laziness in the book of Proverbs. It's for a school. I was asked to do it. I didn't realise I could have picked another topic. This is a shame because work and laziness are not very exciting ideas. I'm not passionate about people working hard. I especially don't want to be the guy who turns up to school and says "Work hard and you'll achieve stuff", I hated those speeches at school. And the "Don't waste your education" speeches, I hated them too. I don't want to be that guy. I want to stand there and say "Don't open your HSC. Don't stress. Go out late at night. Only do the homework you want to do. You are not your education." Though I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get invited back.

I might try and find the middle way. I might tell them all to become plumbers, cause plumbers are awesome.

A lot of people have been asking me how the video went down so I thought I should share.

The teachers liked it and the students seemed to warm to it. I showed it at the beginning of the talk and the students looked like that couldn't figure out what to make of it for the first minute or so. But after that they started laughing a bit. Which is probably about as much as you can hope for from a high school group. High school doesn't generally make teenagers enthusiastic and excited about anything coming from the front.

At very least, it wasn't an major disaster, so I'm thankful for that.

I think I heard what could be the greatest youth group advertisment ever today. I was at a school speaking in their chapel and this plucky little year 6 girl got up to do an announcement and proceed to tell us everything about her youth group. I found out that year fives aren't allowed to attend but year 6, 7 and 8 are. Year 7 and 8 should attend because they need some fun in their life, they always look so bored in chapel. I found out that at youth group the girls have dance parties, go bowling and go to the movies and the boys just eat chips and wrestle. I found out that there's no food at youth group because the boys would eat it all. I found out that the boys always win Minute to Win It, except last week the girls won because girls are the best (at this point she commanded the girls to scream, which one half-heartedly did). Last week they played throwing ping pong balls at toast covered in peanut butter. They got to eat the toast afterwards. I also found out the name of every female youth leader in the youth group, but none of the male leaders (presumably because, as I also found out, boys suck). I found out that the youth group runs across the road from the Bi-Lo. The end.

Like I said, probably the greatest youth group ad ever.

Yesterday I did a visit to a school as I was doing a talk in their infants chapel about kindness and goodness. I had never done an infants chapel before, so I thought I might do a bit of puppetry. So I went and found my old friend Ron. Ron is a friendly, blue puppet who's been in our family for a very long time. I decided to do it ventriloquist style, rather than say, to have him whisper in my ear. The upside is that Ron can say funnier things. The downside is that it's much easier to stuff up. I love puppets, but I was pretty scared of doing this. I'd never done ventriloquism in front of an audience before.

I had decided to give Ron an Irish accent so as to differentiate his voice from mine. On the way down in the car, it worked perfectly. Ron was sounding like a Dublin native. It was brilliant. Unfortunately, I wasn't performing on the way down in the car. When it came time for me to stand up in front of the kids, I'd completely forgotten how to do an Irish accent. I stood up there and all that would come out was this demented Ernie-voice. And while I could have gotten away with that, the first thing I did when Ron came out of the bag is have Ron tell everyone that he was from Ireland. Dumb. And while the kids probably had no idea my accent wasn't anything like anyone from anywhere, the parents and teachers in the room could definitely tell that I was doing what was probably the worst Irish accent they had ever heard. It was a little embarrassing.

Oh, well you know, as Jesus said: "Those who suck at puppetry are sometimes competent in other areas." Or perhaps that was fake-Jesus. Thanks fake-Jesus, you minister to my wounded heart.

Have you ever had a dream where you turn up to do something, like give a speech, but your totally unprepared? I have.

Today that happened to me in real life. I was at a school, I did a talk in their chapel, went to the staff room, and then one of the chaplains stood up and said "Right, it's almost time to go to chapel."

I spent a little while trying to work out what chapel this was they were talking about. I had no memory of going to another chapel today. I had a feeling it was a primary school chapel seeing as I had just done the high school. So I asked and the Chaplain said "Yes, this is primary school, and you're speaking. You didn't know?"

I had no idea it was about to happen. I thought the chapel was on Thursday and so I'd done no preparation for it at all. I don't know who had stuffed up, it could have been the chaplain's lack of communication, but I think it's more likely I just clean forgot. I do so much teaching when I visit this school, it's hard to remember everything.

Anyway I literally had 10 minutes to figure out what I was going to do, while having to hold a conversation with the chaplain about the schools upcoming holiday club. Happily, unlike the dreams where the moment where your realise you have to do a talk and you have nothing prepared streaches on for hours, till you wake up or find yourself on a train with your year 5 teacher, in real life it's not nearly so terrible. I adjusted my talk from the morning as the chapel was on the same topic and rejoiced that I just reduced my preparation load significantly. I don't think it was my best talk ever, but it did the job, and I'm happy to see that those dreams aren't so bad in real life.

My blog is getting a few visits from my work colleagues. This means I'll have to stop writing rude things about them here. Darn. The dream had to end some time.

I've noticed that some blog readers who don't see a lot of me in real life don't know where I work. This is because I have deliberately not told anyone. It could be because I work for the Government. But that would be too obvious. Because everyone knows that if you do something secret you work for the government.

No, I work for a Christian ministry organisation, which is a front for a government organisation, which is in itself a front for the R&D division of a dummy corporation set up by a charity run by wolves. Real wolves, that live the forest, hunt in packs, and organise to get tax-exempt status for their charitable works, those kind of wolves.

Of course I pretend I don't mention what organisation I work for just in case I say something that the people in the marketing division don't like ("Hello Marketing Division!"). Like for instance if I said that at work we regularly door knock the area and abuse people pretending to be from another religion, hoping people will join our religion because the other religion we were pretending to be was so horrible to them. We don't do that, but that might be the kind of thing that the marketing department would not like me saying on the internet if it was, in fact, true and I actually worked for an organisation which not just a front, for a front, for a dummy corporation of a K9ish charity. Really I'm just terrified of being hunted down and killed by a pack of wolves.

Anyway, I just wanted to say "Hello" to all my work mates and friends in the animal kingdom.