Last night I dreamt I had to do an impression of Michael Caine in front of about 500 young people. I didn't do a very good job until I stopped trying to do Michael Caine as a hip-hop artist. After that, I was on fire.

About a week before that I dreamt that I was running the Entertainment Centre with a good looking woman. When I asked her out she told me she was a lesbian and introduced me to her girlfriend. Not one to be discriminatory or spiteful after a broken heart, I stayed in business with her. On our grand Entertainment Centre reopening night we had an amateur slapping competition. It's like boxing except amateurs slap each other. It was a great success until a riot broke out and we only had two security guards to look after it.

The moral to that dream is don't fall in love with a lesbian (unless you're a lesbian I guess) and don't have only two security guards at a slapping competition.