I went and did the Christmas Assembly today at the primary school and they laughed at my jokes. It was reported by a year 6 friend of mine that even the year sixes laughed, which means I won. The year six crew are always the audience I'm playing for because they're the toughest nuts to crack.

I walked out into the play ground and the boys who had been acting in the scripture play were in front of me wearing big sunnies and looking very Hollywood. There were a few girls in year four who had developed crushes on the and followed at a distance asking me for their email addresses.

I, on the other hand, got mobbed by kids in infants school. They seem to express their affection by punching you and trying to pull your pants down. I sat down on a bench to stop them from taking my clothes and they all sat on top of me, like 20 of them. The whole child protection thing was making me feel rather uncomfortable at this stage. When I tried to leave they wouldn't let me go. They blocked my path and I couldn't touch them to move the out of my way because of them old CP guidelines. For the first time in my life (but I'm sure not the last) I thought "I need a bodyguard!".

In the end I managed to escape when some of the actors came through the playground and the kids went off to punch them. I ended up signing a few autographs for some of the remaining kids, "Mr French", and chatting about something or other till the bell went.

I visited the staff room after that because there was meant to be a morning tea on for the Scripture Teachers. The room was packed full of people I didn't recognise so I got a glass of water, skulled it, then left. I don't think anyone noticed I was ever there.