You'll all be pleased to know that there were no fingers involved in today's medical. I did get to watch a nurse play with my wee. That's a unique experience, which I'm sure some people would find exciting. I felt worried for her myself. She made me stand in the room and watch as she poured my urine into three little vials.

That was the drug test David commented on. I'm pretty sure I won't test positive for cocaine.

Another doctor made me strip to my boxers and try and touch my toes. I couldn't. So that was humiliating on both counts.

They made me wash my hands with purple soap that smelt like wee. That was disconcerting. I took a wee smell with me where ever I went till I ate some Doritos. Now I smell like vomit because that's what Doritos smell like but they taste better.