I was talking to Peter yesterday and we were discussing the fact that our understanding of God only comes from God's revelation of himself. That means God controls the airwaves, and so God is obviously going to portray himself in a good light. And while I believe in the goodness and truthfulness of God and his self-revelation, it did lead to the question: If you found out that God wasn't as good as he said he was, would you still follow him? Would you try and live out the teachings of the old, false but good God, or the new, real but not so good God?

It's a question that I know lots of Christians would find uncomfortable to even consider. I think it's because when it comes to things the Bible says people often don't like to hypothesize, especially when it involves God's works or character, and this involves both. It seems somehow blasphemous.

But I think it's a question worth asking. Not because I believe it's a possibility, but it does challenge us to consider whether we're spiritual pragmatists or idealists. Are we following God because he's God, or because he's good? Are we in it for the salvation or the righteousness?

If we would keep following God because he's God, what does that say about our morality? Maybe we are only striving to be good, loving people because that's what God wants of us and we don't really own the requirement for love ourselves. Does love then become essentially selfish? Or at the very least, no longer selfless?

On the other hand, were we to follow God only because he is good, doesn't that imply that we need God to fit in with our own value system? That means that we have arrogantly put ourselves in the position of judging God. Isn't that a rather dangerous thing to do, even if God isn't as good as he led us to believe?

So either way we're a little bit stuffed. I don't even know what the right answer is. I think I'd probably keep following not so good God, because I'd rather be safe and compromised, than idealistic and in hell. But I think that's just me being selfish.

The good thing is that the Bible never forces us to have to make a distinction between goodness and God. All good things come from God, God is love, love comes from God. When we trust in love and goodness, we are trusting in the character of God. When we trust in God we are trusting in love and goodness. In God ultimate pragmatism and idealism meet. That's pretty good if you ask me. Though, I'm still wondering, what would you choose?

I made a new mix for my running last night which was timed so that I would know from the songs when I needed to finish. I had the theme from Rocky ending right when I wanted to arrive home. This was followed by "Your Body is a Wonderland" and "Love is in the Air" to punish me for not making it home by the end of Rocky. I was so excited about the mix last night that I couldn't sleep. Which meant that I woke up this morning and almost didn't run because I was tired from being up so late imagining me running to the new mix in the morning. But I did run in the end, the excitement won over the sleepiness.

I'm sad to say, I didn't finish when Rocky finished. In fact I was two minutes off my desired time. As I ran along, listening to Rocky I had images in my head from the montage of Rocky running fast through Philadelphia, Rocky running fast along the docks, Rocky running fast up those stairs. And here was I panting along the Pacific Hwy, making "heerrmmp" noises with every breath, two minutes slower than I wanted to be, and I could help but feel like I was disappointing Rocky. I should have put on the slow Rocky music from the first montage where where runs slowly. Then I wouldn't have been so disrespectful to the legacy.

I'm hoping to make Rocky happy in the future.

I've started running again, now that I'm in a settled location and what I've discovered is that everywhere west of the highway around my house is on some kind of hill. It's very annoying. My plan is to run 6km but it's all hill, and very tiring. I try and stay off main roads because traffic and traffic lights slow you down. I time myself when I run and I don't like variables out of my control stuffing up my times.

In Enmore I could be having a really good run, on track for my best time, and then a batch of bad traffic on the Princes Hwy would just stuff me up. So now I have to choose between running up hills or letting lights stuff my times. I've decided to go for the hills because that'll be good for me, I'll get massive calves. People will be scared of my calves they're so big and hill strong. I'll get teased for my calves, till people realise that I can crush then to death be just flexing my lower leg. It'll be great.

Tomorrow my father is coming over to teach me how to drive a manual. I did once get a few lessons from Jem but I got frustrated and annoyed. I think I was even tempted to be mean to Jemma even though she's one of the nicest people I know, so I decided it was best to stop.

But tomorrow my Father will take me on this last stage to becoming a real man (except for jumping naked over a cow and killing a lion with my bare hands). I know lots of girls can drive manuals (we're borrowing Jenny's car), which is kinda why it feels so unmanly not to be able to "drive stick".

Though that logic doesn't always work. Girls are in general more likely to be able to sew, but it's rare that you meet a guy who wants to be able to sew, because "if girls can sew then it's unmanly if he can't". If he sews we'll all tease him and and make him drink Breezers at our man barbies. So it's probably the fact that it's a car. Natural law dictates that men should be generally more advanced at car things than girls. The only time a girl should be be better at car stuff than guys is if she can burp and fart better than a guy too. Then she gets respect.

As you can see my image of manhood is pretty well rounded, it's all about cars, beer, barbies, burping and farting and those things pretty much sum me up.

I just started reading Without Warning by John Birmingham. After Twilight it's a blessed relief.

In the first 50 pages 300 million people are killed and various planes, boats and cars crash in some freak occurrence, and on page 51 a female assassin kills two evil pursuers in about three seconds using just her bare hands and a scalpel. That's more like it. This book should make up for the last one's criminal lack of action quite well.

I'm pretty sure I won't ever be fully ripped. But I'm thinking about wearing muscle shirts and a bum bag* all the time just to pretend I am.


*Otherwise known as a fanny pack. Heh heh.

I went to see The Dark Knight again last night. I think I'm more prepared to make a final judgment on the film now. Well maybe not final, but at least more thoughtful.

I think I liked Heath Ledger's performance even better this time. Before I was wary of getting caught up in the post-death fuzzies. But he really did do a fantastic job. The Joker is probably one of the best film villains ever. And while most villains have things to say which are meant to be insightful, but are pretty dull, the Joker seems to have this wonderfully astute perception, even if he is crazy. And Ledger pulled off what was a well written character and just added whole new layers of depth to him. He's funny, he's scary, he's quite insane but quite brilliant. It's great.

Harvey Dent is a good character, but Two Face is a little bit of a leap. The transition from Harvey Dent to Two Face happens too quickly and isn't all that rational. I like the addition of Two Face, but they could have done that better.

Batman is cool as always.

I think the biggest let down of the film is the technology. While the technology in Batman Begins isn't too far fetched, the stuff in this film is just dumb. Like who could get a fingerprint off a shattered bullet? And as if you could turn all the phones in a city into sonar devices and then rig up a 3D rendering of the city from it. Dumb. The whole technology thing just seems lazy. Because the two pieces of technology that are vital to moving the plot along are unbelievable the whole film seems flimsy at the seams. Had they worked harder the film would have been a lot better.

My favourite scene in the film has to be the one with Batman and the Joker in the the interrogation room. It's beautiful to watch. The Joker just dismantles Batman without laying a finger on him. Special.

I did like that this was a darker film, with no happy ending. But all up I think Batman Begins was a better film. It's tighter, more believable, and more consistently cool. Parts of Dark Knight are brilliant, better than the first film, but as a whole it doesn't hold together. Still it's a damn good film, so I'll pay that.

I'm in a good place, I've paced myself pretty well at 30.
I've seen some cool stuff, made a lot of stuff happen for myself.
I made a lot of stuff happen for myself, right?
That's a really cool sentence when you're in your 20's.
I mean, "I MADE IT HAPPEN FOR MYSELF", right?
But all that means, is that I've somehow or other, found a way to synthesize love. - John Mayer from Where the Light Is

Doesn't John Mayer have a publicist to say "John, don't say that, it makes you sound like an idiot"? They didn't even edit it off the CD/DVD.

Still as always, he plays excellent music, and that's what I listen for. That and to laugh at him a little.



Thanks to L'angostino for whacking the lyrics on their blog.

I just finished reading Twilight. It's that vampire romance that girls like to read. I read it because most of the girls in my youth group love it, so I thought I should check it out.

I can understand why girls like it but it really didn't do it for me at all. I'd read Jodi Picoult over this any day.

The story is about Bella, a 17 year old high school student who falls in love with Edward a 17 year old looking vampire.

The biggest issue is that through out the whole book there is almost no violence. If I'm reading a vampire book I'm expecting a bit of action. There was almost nothing. I had to wait till the last four chapters before anything remotely actionish happened at all. Then when the action did happen, the main character was unconscious for it, and seeing as it's a first person narrative, we never hear about it. There was only one scene where blood got sucked but it was to save someone's life and it was just out of a hand. What's up with that?

Second I can't see why no one else seems to find it creepy that the vampire is 104 years old, while the girl he is in love with is only 17. Just because he looks young doesn't make it ok.

But the good thing is, even if he is 104 years old, he has the wisdom of a 16 year old and emotions to go with it. He seems to spend most of the book brooding, giving dark stares and having flashes of anger. He keeps saying things like "I need to leave you alone, but I can't. All the time I spend with you I put you in danger, so I'm guess I'm being selfish." You think? You would hope that for a good vampire who is 104 years old he would have figured out by now that just because something makes you feel good it doesn't mean it is good. On the other hand, humans tend to have an ability to be exceedingly selfish all their lives, especially when it comes to love. So I'll give him that. I just don't think it's romantic.

Third Bella is rather annoying. It seems like every time he looks at her or touches her, she forgets how to breath. Literally. It's not even a dumb figure of speech, she actually stops breathing. At one point he's so wonderful when they kiss, she passes out. One feels that maybe you're not ready for a serious relationship if you can't manage to maintain the most basic of human functions in the presence of your love interest.

Consider these genuine quotes:

"He was right there, his face so close to mine. His beauty stunned my mind-it was too much, an excess I couldn't grow accustomed to.
...
He took my face in my hands again.
I couldn't breath." - Pages 246-247

"He pressed his cool lips delicately to my forehead, and the room spun. The smell of his breath made it impossible to think... His fingers traced slowly down my spine, his breath coming more quickly against my skin. My hands were limp on his chest, and I felt lightheaded again. He tilted his head slowly and touched his cool
lips to mine for the second time, very carefully, parting them slightly.

And then I collapsed.

"Bella?" His voice was alarmed as he caught me and held me up.

"You… made… me… faint," I accused him dizzily." - Page 279

"Edward's hands lingered at my neck, brushed along my collarbones. I gave up trying to help him and just concentrated on not hyperventilating." - Page 314

You see what I'm saying? At one point they kiss and her heart literally stops beating.

Anyway, I'm glad I read the book. Now I know what the fuss is about. I don't really have a problem with people reading it. But I doubt I'll be picking up the sequels anytime soon.

One of my favourite things on my computer is when a program crashes and then the program that tells me that the program has crashed crashes. It makes me smirk.

I'm back from camp and totally famous!

And now I'm at Black Stump. I'm not actually at Black Stump. I'm at home. This is the first time in about 15 years I'm not camping. But I'm doing the Black Stump thing. I'm going call it a camp though, just so I can say I went straight from camp to camp.

Last week's camp was much fun. I did enjoy myself, the leaders were quality, the campers quality, and there was plenty of laughs so I'm happy.

That could be about in depth as my debrief of camp gets. Probably because it's a whole weeks worth and most of it's not that interesting if you weren't there.

Yesterday however was a tad remarkable. Mainly because it was full. I packed up a camp, had a beer, visited the Pa (Happy Birthday!), drove to Stump, did tech for the Breakthru' show (I was DVD man, "Play,pause,play,skip,pause" in that order) then was calling the next Breakthru' show. The second show was 8 acts long and I was meant to be in the sound and lighting desk on coms telling the lighting and sound guys what to do and when. This was a little stressful because 1) I've never seen the show before, 2) I've never called a show before, 3) I was so tired I was having difficultly stringing sentences together.

In the end the CD of all the music for the show got lost, so the show became 3 pieces long, rather than 8. While this is sad for the Breakthru' people, from my standpoint I was rather relieved. I'm calling the show again today, but I at least am feeling a little less tired.

I did find that getting to Black Stump and being surrounded by a whole new bunch of people, made me miss the ones I was surrounded by for the last week. I guess that's a good response to have to the camp. It probably means I liked the people.

I also found that getting to Black Stump and feeling stuffed made me rather grumpy. I was having difficulty being positive. Hopefully today will be better.

I should probably put some pants on now and get ready for being an amazing tech guy.

I'm currently on Camp.

Not right now. Right now I'm in my church office. But I was on camp up until about 2 hours ago, and I'll be back there tonight.

I'm on a week long youth camp, as the speaker. Being the speaker definitely has its perks. I've been put this week in the best speaker's accommodation I've ever had. I'm in a unit on site with a bedroom, bathroom, full kitchen (with fridge and microwave), a lounge, a dining table and a TV and video.

It's sweet.

It's very tempting never to come out of my unit.

The odd thing about this camp is that they've brought daylight saving forward by a week. This means that everything is happening an hour earlier then we think it is. It's like we've created a whole different timezone on camp. Plus they've taken all the campers watches and phones from them so a lot of them don't know that last they lost an hour's sleep.

Right now they're probably just finishing up dinner and it's only 5:30. It's nuts. But a rather good idea.

Anyway, I should get back to doing work, I didn't leave just to leave. I have a few things to attend to.

So my van as a little problem. The backing on the inside of my boot has come off and has this whole exposed glue section. In the old days the glue used to get on things. But I tested it on Friday and it didn't come off so I figured it was fine.

Anyway, coming home I packed my van carefully so that nothing was touching or would fall onto the back of the the boot.

Then just after I've packed the car a few more people come along and give me a whole bunch more bags, so I re-pack. And I think I've got it alright, but I didn't really look as hard the second time.

I get back to Sydney, open my boot and find one bag, just one, has fallen onto the boot, and the bag just happens to be a pink Country Road bag. Being a tiny bit in the know I understand that a Country Road bag, isn't just any old bag. It's a special, $60, "in" bag. And the bag isn't owned by someone who goes to my youth group, it's a visitor's.

Realising what I've done, I start feeling rather bad. I consider pretending I didn't see it and hope it doesn't get noticed till later. But I figure that's probably bad.

So I find the bag's owner, fess up, and feel bad. I offer to replace it, but she's being kind and telling me not to worry about it.

I still feel bad though. I considered taking her at her word and not worrying about it, but I did ruin a Country Road bag. So I kinda stewed in my own guilt for a while.

On Monday morning I headed off for the shops to find a new Country Road bag, I found them but couldn't find one the same. So I worried if I bought the wrong type I probably wouldn't fix the problem.

Then I started having images of me turning up to school and giving this girl a brand new $60 bag and everyone wondering why Tom the Scripture Guy is handing out expensive presents.

So I thought through other options, I checked the Country Road website, but there are no bags there (at least not the right ones) and there is no online shop.

I decided to sit on the issue for a day or two so yesterday I worried about it.

This morning I came up with the brilliant idea of a gift voucher. That solves the problem of ugly bag, strange presents and delivery (I can post a gift voucher).

I arrived at work, decided just to ask Rach's advice to make sure that she also thinks my idea is brilliant, and just as I turn around in my office to go over and talk to Rach, and I see on the floor, $60 with a note saying "To Tom, 1x Country Road Bag".

How odd. I couldn't really figure out who knew I was stressing about the bag so much that they'd want to pay for it.

It's strange. On the one hand I'm feeling way loved that someone would know how stressed this has made me that they'd pro-actively help out and pay for the whole thing.

On the other hand I got a little miffed that someone else is going to pay for the bag. I don't know who gave me the money so I can't give it back or say "Thank you". And they gave me the money for the bag so I can't spend it on anything else. So now I'm stuck with someone else paying for my mistakes, and I thought I'd solved them myself.

I've decided not to stew on it and feel loved, because it's a lovely thing for someone to do. Plus, it's also a rather fitting lesson for me about my own desire to earn my redemption. I should just be thankful but instead I feel annoyed that I can't do it myself. Gosh I'm dumb.

Isn't it amazing how you think you're doing fine, then someone does something loving and gracious and kicks you up the bum.

Tomorrow I'm off to Country Road to buy a gift voucher, and I'll thank Jesus for restoration of relationships and for people who teach me lessons and do really wonderful things at the same time. If the person who gave me the money was around I'd thank them too.

The Weekend was good. It was important in light of the previous post. Going on camp with the youth group was significant as I knew it would be my last.

Leading up to camp had been rather stressful. Trying to write talks, and figure out numbers. In the end we had about 15 less young people than we normally have on a camp. This was mainly due to the fact that we stupidly put the camp right in the middle of year 11 exams.

Anyway, the lack of people, along with the lack of commitment from our highly non-committal young people, (Though I generally quite like this trait because it also means spontaneity, and if you plan of people being last minute, it's good. When it comes to camps though usually it costs about $80 per person who doesn't turn up. So commitment is helpful to gauge numbers.) meant that I was feeling a little stressed. Even in the last 24 hours I had two people pull out and three people join up, and one person pull out and join back up again.

But as the time for camp drew near, calmness came upon me and I went into cruisy, Tom mode. And from that point on I was perfectly happy and un-stressed. Everything ran late, but I didn't really care, because I wasn't stressed, it was great.

We made it to camp late, sat down, had the rules, people laughed at me a bit (as is usually the case at these types of things) and then I had to tell them I was leaving. It was hard, I was stalling most of the night, I was very nervous. When I started talking I choked up a bit. I thought I might cry. I didn't but it was the closest I've come to crying in years. While I don't really want to cry, at least I know I'm not as cold hearted as I could be.

There were a few tears from the youth, a lot of shocked faces, a few people telling me I can't go. I kinda felt bad doing it. I know that the hardest thing about leaving will be leaving the people I minister to. So telling them you're going doesn't make much sense. When I'm with the youth group, I generally see no reason to leave.

But I am leaving, so I told them, and then we had supper, a bed time story and people went to bed.

Saturday was less intense. We had two talks, from me, about the kingdom of God. I did the "I'm leaving I can say what I want thing", so I told them all to keep being Christians.

We played a rather awesome three way game of capture the flag, involving water bombs. These games are always good fun. If people didn't get too competitive they'd be perfect, but alas you can't have every things.

The weather was amazing. The hottest day this half of the year. Special.

At night we played a murder mystery game. I played a sleazy Prince Charming who was actually Elvis. All the campers had to come in and interview me in groups about the murder. I did enjoy myself. I'm not sure I was all that helpful though.

The night finished with a camp fire with one big "In the store..." sing-a-long and peoples' testimonies. It was oh so very Christian but lovely and moving none the less.

Sunday was more talk, lots of packing up, a debrief and some warm and fuzzy letters.

That was camp really.

It was a pretty easy camp. Mostly stress free. No big injuries, no body got in trouble too much. It was the way I would have liked my last camp to have gone. So I'm happy.

Coming home I did manage to stuff things up a little. But that's another story for another post.

I announced to my church on Sunday that I'm going to be leaving them at the beginning of next year.

It had pretty much been a week of such announcements. I told my leaders on Monday night, my small group on Wednesday night, my youth group on Friday at Camp and then the church found out on Sunday.

I've been making the decision for about year. At least it was in September last year that I told Stephen that I might not be around for 2009 so they should start thinking about options.

It was a big decision to make. I've spent a lot of time praying and talking to people, trying to figure out what was right. I love my church very much. It's been a wonderful place to work, full of lovely, supportive people. And I really like the young people in my youth group. I really do reckon being a youth minister is one of the best jobs in the world, because teenagers are awesome.

But as many people know I am planning on going to the US in 2010. So I had to think about leaving my church at some stage. Having the new minister arrive this year has meant that next year will probably "vision" year. The year he starts the church he wants it to take for the next few years. It makes sense for me to go, and for someone else to come in for vision year, so that they can be better placed for long-term execution of the vision.

Plus next year, I really want to take a year off ministry to do work which isn't too demanding with people who aren't Christians. Living in my Christian bubble is lovely, but you get a little out of touch. Spending all your time talking about evangelism but rarely having opportunities to practice it seems a little hypocritical.

The other reason is that I want a break. I'm pretty tired. Not sleepy, but 6 years of ministry as a single guy takes it out of you. This church, and the youth ministry especially, have been my priority this whole time. It's taken up my weekends and many of my weeknights. And I have no regrets about this, it's been great. But you find that soon there is little outside your job that you're committed to, or able to commit to. I'd love to be able to spend some more time with friends and family. I'd love to be able to be part of my local community. I'd love to be able to leave my work at work. I'd love to be able to have my God not be my employer for at least a year.

I have no plans to leave ministry for good. I still plan on speaking and preaching in 2009 if people want me to. I'm just taking some time off. In fact, I'm pretty sure having a year of will make me a better kingdom worker rather than a worse one.

From here I don't know where God is leading me. I pretty sure I'm still called to ministry work but I don't know what type. But I guess we'll have to wait and see.

For the moment, I need to work hard at finishing well.

I got back from camp yesterday. It was good, pretty laid back, and rather important.

Shall blog the news later.

Two and a half hours till I go on camp.

Who would have thought trying to write talks and organise a camp at the same time wouldn't be easy? And trying to do it on to of scripture seminars, moving house, preaching and running the rest of the youth group. I thank God that I've got this far.

Yay for the Camp, but I can't wait till Monday.

Here's my next lunchtime conundrum: If you found out that your husband or wife was a robot, would you divorce them? Or is love love, no-matter what the object of your affection is?

I was just reminded at lunch of my regular conundrum. How does my body know how to process soup? How does it figure out if it's a liquid or a solid? It must be very confusing.

I'm so glad I am not my body or that would cause me many headaches.

I've been thinking a little bit lately about doubt and families with super-spiritual parents.

Over my time in youth ministry I've come across a number of young people who have been struggling with doubt. Some of them have super-spiritual parents who love Jesus. These young people often feel too scared to tell their parents how they're feeling. Sometimes it's because they're worried how much they'll hurt their parents when they tell them. Sometimes it's because they don't want their parents trying to convert them. Sometimes it's just because they don't think their parents will understand.

Sometimes doubt can be such a lonely place.

I think it's great that there are parents out there who are so into their faith that their kids can't see any doubt in them at all. On the other hand I wish parents could find a way to allow their kids to be real about where they're at. How can parents make sure their kids know they're going to be accepted and loved, wherever their at? And how can parents be people who are able to help, and encourage, and comfort in times of doubt?

I've not really figured this out, I'm not a parent.

As a youth minister I know that when young people of faith share their doubt with you, it's both special and painful. Special because they have trusted you with something that is very personal. Special because my job is faith, so to tell the youth minister you're not sure if he's got it right means that they feel probably safe from getting judged. It's painful because you don't want people there. You want people to be able to believe and trust in the love and promises God. It's painful because you know that apart from prayer, talking and listening there's little you can do. You can't grow faith in others, it's God who gives faith and God who takes it away.

I assume that for a believing parent, to hear about doubt from their kids, is probably bitter/sweet on a much greater scale. But it's gotta be better to be involved than to be kept out all together.